Update on Operation: Baby

So Ryan and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been trying to have kids for almost two and a half years. And lets just say-- it's not exactly working.

Several Women in my family have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I have had all the syptoms so I've kinda been under the assumption that that's the same thing that's wrong with me. But every time I talked to any of my doctors (GYNO, PCP, anyone) about it They have either glossed over it with "You're young, you still have plenty of time" or laughed me out of their office. It's been very frustrating, but I couldn't (at the time) go to anyone else because my insurance (I have it through my mom) wouldn't let me. I was starting to feel like I was crazy, or like Heavenly Father just really thought I wasn't good enough to have a baby.and let me tell you.. that was a dark time.

Recently my mom's job changed insurance providers. So I got to pick my doctors. I searched high and low, read reviews, called offices and asked to speak to doctors instead of nurses and finally found a PCP that I felt was the right one. Tuesday afternoon I had my first appointment with her and although it was suppose to be a physical it turned into us just talking about everything that had happened to me and everything I've been through. And she looked at me and said

"Guess what? I think you know your body better than anyone else, and from what you telling me and from what I can see. I think you're right. So let's have you evaluated for PCOS so I can start treating you."

I felt So. Free.

and not crazy.

So they did all the bloodwork and yesterday I went for a pelvic ultrasound (I have never been so happy to pee in my entire life) and when they were looking at my ovaries you could see them tiny little "follicles" that are filling with liquid and becoming tiny cysts. All I could do is smile.

I know this sounds crazy, and WEIRD that I am happy about seeing those tiny things which are getting in my way of having my babies, but I was. I was Happy. I was RELIEVED.

I am not crazy. I am not unworthy. I am not some freak that just doesn't know anything. I have actual diagnoses that can be FIXED.

And how great was my joy.

What Kind of Life do I Live?

First off, I suppose I should apologize for my absence. Sorry, I'm lazy. lol. Secondly, I want to wish anyone that reads this a very happy valentines day. but neither of those are what this post is about.

This post is about my life.

Those of you that know me personally, may have noticed (or maybe you didn't- I don't really know) that I've been in kind of a funk lately. I've been pretty restless with my life and the way it's been working. My house was a dump. My job, while mostly enjoyable, was sucking the life out of me. My calling (which I normally love) had even begun to go stale for me. The result was (and still is) me being short and contrary, Ryan and I started to argue more, I started to function less and less. Usually when I feel like this I know I have to make a change, and that change usually means some kind of hair cut.

But not this time.

In Young Women's on Sunday, we were teaching the lesson "Finding Joy in Life Now" and we started by discussing what the difference is between Fun, Satisfaction, Happiness, and Joy. How we are responsible for our OWN happiness in this life, and how we don't have to wait. *I* don't have to wait for Ryan to graduate to be happy, *I* don't have to wait for us to have a baby to feel like my life has a substance. *I* don't have to work at a job that makes me feel useless. *I* don't have to do that.

My mother use to tell my sister and I "Bloom where you're planted" and she was right. I have to find happiness where I am, in the situation I'm in. but at the same time, if there are things in my situation I don't like, I can change them. That's my choice.

So. I've talked to Ryan, and we've decided. at least for now, We aren't keeping anything in the house we don't love. We're getting rid of almost everything. Furniture, Crap, Clothes, Everything. We are going to go through it a bit at a time and decide what to keep, and what to chuck. :) And we won't replace any of it until we've found something we love and we agree on.

I'm so incredibly excited about this. I think I could bust. I think.... I might be happy. :)

I know this post kind of rambles, but I don't care. I hope you understood it, not that that's important, because I did. :)

Happy New Year!

Excuse my absence, it's been awhile, but really nothing has been happening. 2011 was maybe the most boring year EVER for Ryan and I. Honestly, I mean things happened that I guess were big: I started working, Ryan got his graduation pushed back another semester (oh yeah, did I tell you? Now he graduates May 2014. *sigh*) I got to meet my nephew (cutest child that ever existed--no really) but other than that, I don't really remember anything, at least nothing good.

But now it's the third day of 2012,

and I refuse to let that happen again.

Have I ever told you that I don't believe in resolutions? I don't. I'm not even sure when I stopped really believing in them, but I don't. I believe in goals for sure. and I believe in improving yourself. But stick resolution on there and for some reason one becomes-ironically- less resolute.

So I have NOT made a resolution to photograph everything I do (although, I should take more pictures)
I will NOT make a resolution to blog or journal more often (because let's be honest, how well has that gone over in the past)

What I WILL do, is decide that I want to remember this year. I want to do things that are WORTH remembering, not only that, but I want to do things that I WANT to take pictures of, things that I WANT to share on my blog and in my journal.

That's what I WANT. I want to REMEMBER. Don't tell me that we don't always get what we want, I'm aware of that, but this time I am. THIS want, I'm allowed to have. Because it's something I can give to myself.

So as I sit here, watching "Z" (one of the kids I watch) play with a balloon-- she has rubbed it all over herself so now it's stuck to her head and she is running around seeing if it will stay on. It's cute-- I think that I can do this. I really really do.

See you in the funny papers!

Sigh

So.. Ryan and I have been married for 2 and a half years now and we have managed to exist without ANY credit cards. Well, today in the mail I recieved...

Our first set of debt sucking credit cards.

I hate them, but we need them.

Sigh....

Live in Thanksgiving

Well, here we are again, it's November First and most of the people in this country are nursing some sort of Hangover, whether it's Alcohol, Sugar or something else, it's happening. Adults are putting away Halloween and starting to think about their Christmas card list. Stores have Halloween candy on sale for 50%off and are setting up their Christmas displays (if they haven't already. Kids are thinking about how awesome Last night was, how much candy they hauled in and what Christmas wishes they want to put in their letters to Santa. And then they all remember almost collectively around the middle of the month when a kids brings home a flyer about their schools food drive, "Oh yeah! There's another holiday to get through still!" Guess we had better get the turkey and stuffing. I'll ask Aunt Linda to make her famous Pumpkin Pie. Maybe Cousin Margo will bring the cranberry sauce, Where will we put everyone? Should we have a kids table?" Completely forgetting the purpose of Thanksgiving in the first place! To these people, nay, to people everywhere I have one word.

Stop. (Collaborate and listen...:))

To those people that believe that Thanksgiving is to mark the day that the pilgrims were saved from starvation I say, Close, but no cigar.

And to those of you that happen to think thanksgiving is all about gorging yourself until you can't fasten your pants the next day and watching football on TV... Sigh...

I bet most of you don't even know how Thanksgiving became a National Holiday or that it wasn't one until Abraham Lincoln was President during the Civil War. (Not that that's the purpose, but I'm just saying, many people don't know that information and I totally did. :))

None of those things are important. The purpose of Thanksgiving is to (hold on to your hats because this might be shocking) GIVE THANKS. *gasp*

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I learn a lot about Gratitude and how many ways one can express "an attitude of gratitude" (I'm sure many other Christian denominations do as well, but I don't go to those churches, I go to mine. :)) And let me tell you, there are many ways of showing gratitude, and one of those ways is by giving service. Why? because when we take the time to serve others we NOTICE our blessings more, but I want to know why it is that we as humans have to serve and then notice our blessings, why can't it be the other way around? And why does this "Attitude of Gratitude" and the Friday after the fourth Thursday of November every year when we put up our Christmas Decorations or that weekend when the thanksgiving leftovers are all gone?

May each of us learn this month how to live in Thanksgiving daily and develop an attitude of gratitude.

Life Right Now...

I would love to be one of those women that can get on a computer and blog every day. I long for the time when I can do that. Mostly, because it will mean that I have internet in my house. :) I feel bad that I only ever read blogs and then I don't share anything in return. I feel a little selfish, so I humbly ask for forgiveness and patience as I get back into the blogging business. ;) With that-- here's what's been going on so far with the Burton's these past (almost) six months.

Ryan finished his second year of school with incredibly good grades. It looks like he will be making the Chancellors list this semester for the third time since he started school. After his finals are over next week he will have 5 Semesters left and then (barring any disasters or unless he decides to get a masters) he will be done-- Graduating December 2013! It makes me proud that he has been working so hard. And it's paying off! Because he is such an awesome person he....

Got a summer internship! He will be working for TME Inc. a construction company in Little Rock. He will be making twice as much an hour as well as working twice as many hours. He gets a WEEK of paid vacation time and the possibility of a future permanent job. We are SO excited about this and Ryan is confident that it is a job he can excell at and enjoy doing at the same time. :)

As for moi-- I started "working", I've been baby-sitting for some of the working mothers in my ward. Children ranging in ages from 2 weeks- 4 years. It can be challenging sometimes, but I love it. These angels teach me so much as I care for them. Chiefly patience, sometimes it's hard to learn, but I know it's worth it. Ryan was so excited when I started doing this (I watch them in my home) that he decided we should turn our spare room into a "playroom" so we bought a crib for the babies and a buch of toys and childrens books (mostly at second hand stores, because lets face it, We're poor ;)) and set it up! I will get a picture put up eventually of the playroom, because I am so happy with the way it turned out. We even moved one of our rocker recliners from the living room to the playroom so that I could rock the babies :) ALSO, plus side = being able to count all of it on taxes as a business expense. :)

Now, you may be asking-- Hey Cheryl, What about that last post, where you and Ryan were going to try and have a baby? What ever happened with that? Well, folks, We're still trying. No baby yet. :) I did go to the doctor in March and she diagnosed me with Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) basically, I have a bunch of cysts on my ovaries which make my hormones go wacky, which makes me not ovulate. And you kinda have to have an egg to have a baby. lol. It causes alot of other problems too, it's hard to regulate my weight, I get sick alot, I have alot of back pain etc. It's not fun stuff. ANYWAY... she said I could start Clomid which is a prescription drug that MAKES you ovulate no matter what your hormones are like, it's expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. So instead, I am going to start a regime of D-chiro-inositol (DCI) a nutritional supplement that basically regulates all of your hormones naturally. So that your body fixes itself. :) It's also not covered by my insurance, BUT it is much cheaper. Like, instead of $250 a month it's $50. which is much easier for me to work with . lol. It also has a very high success rate; so hopefully we'll get to make an announcement in the next couple of months. :)


So that's how life has been for us. Excluding of course any information on our callings in church. We both work with the youth and as such, we were called to be a Ma & Pa for our Youth Conference Pioneer Trek this June. So we've been preparing for that along with teaching on Sunday and Activities on Wednesdays and Saturdays, We love our callings and we love the youth that we get to interact with every week. :)


So yeah, life is good. Hopefully I will be able to do better at this whole "regular" blogging thing eventually, but until then....


;)

A Christmas Morning to Remember!

Forever, Really.

So Ryan and I have been discussing expanding our family for the past year or so. I have known for awhile that I wanted to have kids quickly, Ryan has WANTED kids, he's just been a little concerned as to the cost and the hardships that can come with them. So it's kind of become a MAJOR source of many arguements, much stress, and some other very intense emotions between the two of us. Mostly, the thing we have "agreed" about, and I use that term incredibly loosly, is we won't stop it from happening.

I so hated that agreement. It made me feel like Ryan didn't want our kids, like he thought I wasn't good enough yet to be a mother, like he was KEEPING my kids from me.

I know that sounds rediculous. But it is how I felt.


A few weeks ago (I guess right after thanksgiving) We had a talk, a long, long, LONG talk. Anyway, Ryan ended up giving me a blessing, and afterwardsm I just told him "I Love You, and I know that you're scared, but Our kids want to be here, and you won't let them because you are afraid." as well as some other things. He said he would SERIOUSLY start thinking about having kids. I didn't think he meant it. It's happened before, I don't know if I'm just impatient or if he really does think about things this slowly, but when he starts thinking about things he could take months! Maybe even a whole nother YEAR! That prospect was not good for me, but I didn't want to argue anymore so I let it go.

This morning I recieved a Christmas present in the form of a letter. It said the following:

" Hey Cheryl, (you know, that one woman I love with all my heart)

I know that this isn't a real present, but I hope it will do. I wanted to give you a big surprise, and I think this is it, and I'm writing it in pen so you'll know I'm serious.

LET'S HAVE A BABY!

Go on, tell anyone you want. Shout it out to the world. I love you and I want tyou to be happy. Are you surprised?

I've been sitting on this decision now for about a week and a half. When I told you I'd think about it, I meant it, but Layne helped me make up my mind.

The last time Asha took Layne to school, Jennifer brought him upstairs with Athena, so I got to hold him. I was really happy to think I had some real reason to hold him. Anyway, it was after our deal that I was thinking about it and I decided that it would be so much better to hold my own kid even with all the challenges and hardwork that go with it.

I wanted you to have a good Christmas, and I wanted this to be a surprise, so I'm sorry if I've caused you any grief over the past week or so about having a baby.

Honey, I Love You, and I hope this Christmas will be a special one in your memory for a long time. Merry Christmas.

Love,
Ryan (That one guy who is kind of an idiot sometimes.)"

So we are actually going to TRY TRY TRY to have a baby! We Want A Baby! I Am So Excited! I feel So CLOSE to Ryan right now, like for the first time in a long time we are really unified in something. I think I am going to save this letter and put it in our baby book when I finally get pregnant.

And above all I have the most wonderful husband ever, and He is going to be a GREAT Daddy. :)