Five Things I've Learned About Marriage.

I was sitting in bed last night. Ryan was asleep next to me and I was playing on Facebook when I was suppose to be sleeping. Ryan rolled over and woke up just for a few seconds. Just long enough to say "Happy Anniversary Babe" and go back to sleep.

And I couldn't help but smile.

Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done ever in my entire life. It's harder than walking after back surgery, or getting back behind the wheel of a car after you're in a wreck, and it's far and away harder than any college experiences I had at all. And it certainly hasn't been all roses and cotton candy. There are some days when it's like a scene from a horror movie. Those days are few and far between, but still, they happen. But it's also the most wonderful thing. The only thing that is more difficult than marriage, is NOT being with Ryan. Having him gone, whether on his mission or gone for a summer internship. Saying goodnight when he dropped me off after a date, or saying goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning. Having him gone really does make me feel like I'm missing half of my appendages. I've learned so much over this time.Mostly about myself, but also a few things about marriage. Most of these things are things that people told me to begin with when I was engaged, but I didn't listen and learned them the hard way. Now pass them down to others I know,and they don't listen and end up having to learn them the hard way. NONE of them are things that I'm perfect at, but with my wonderfully patient husband, I keep working on them and getting a little better every day.

So without further ado, here are...

1) Never discuss anything important between the hours of 9pm and 5 am. And eat first.
-- This one is important. Ryan and I hate arguing, but it never fails that early in our marriage we would wait until just before bed to have important discussions about finances, or having kids, or moving, or anything that takes more than 5 minutes to actually come to a conclusion about. By then, we were both so tired that we couldn't have a rational conversation! Also, we both start resenting each other for "not being able to go to bed angry" and JUST WANTING TO SLEEP. Not to mention THIS study done in 2007 that says that brains that are sleep-deprived are 60% more reactive to negative and disturbing images and feelings. So most of those conversations, instead of ending in a resolution, ended in Ryan sleeping on the couch and me crying in the closet. I'm sure the rest of you know that feeling. Wait? The rest of you don't cry in your closets? Well, just me then. That's cool. Anyway. So now, we TRY to not bring things up that are dreadfully important after 9. If we do, it's to tell each other, "Hey, we need to go over the budget tomorrow" and we pick another time to talk about it. Then, when that time comes, we make sure we've both eaten first because really, who wants to talk about finances with a hungry bear? No one. So to those people that say "Never go to bed angry" I say poo. It's better to go to bed and work it out in the morning, but ultimately, it's better just not to start the argument at all.

2) Always think the best automatically.
-- We've all done it. You or your spouse is making dinner or some other task, when the other comes in and says something that can be unintentionally offensive. So one is presented with a choice. You can either get offended and start a fight, or you can go the other direction. I've found, after extensive research, that Ryan never wants to hurt me intentionally. That realization has helped me to be able to not get offended as often. If he says something hurtful, I ask him if something else happened that day to make him cranky. Usually, the answer is yes, and we can talk it out better, instead of getting into an unnecessary argument.

3) Let it Go.
-- This is not some cheesy "Frozen" reference about letting go of your own inhibitions and being yourself, although, that would be very valid. No. This is about picking your battles. Is it annoying that your husband chews loudly? Yes. Is it annoying that your wife take forever to get ready when you are trying to go out? Absolutely! However, are those things important enough to make an issue out of it? No. Frankly, it's my belief that when sometimes we point things out to make people feel bad, and in turn make ourselves feel better. Instead, when we let go of anger and forgive each others shortcomings, we  come to a deeper understanding of each other, and really, isn't that what love is all about?

4) Service is the easiest way to show love.
-- There is this fantastic book called the Five Love Languages. You can learn more about it here. Basically, it's about how all of us give and receive love in different ways. For example, my love language is Words of Affirmation and I also enjoy it when people give me gifts (for those of you that know me personally this is not a surprise) For Ryan, it's Acts of Service. Now, generally they mean things like, take out the garbage, or make lunch for them, or something like that. Which is all very nice, but not particularly in my wheelhouse, I'm more of a "Why do I need to make him lunch when he knows where everything is and is a grown adult" kind of person. :)
Anyway, because I love Ryan and want him to know that I've tried to get better about doing little things. And it has moved mountains! Also, I would submit that even if your significant other's love language is NOT Acts of Service, showing love in the way that they can recognize it, even if it's not the way that you normally would feel comfortable doing, IS a service. You are doing something for them so that they can feel loved, regardless of what you get out of it.  You get the opportunity to be completely selfless. And that's a pretty beautiful thing.

5) When in doubt- Pray.
-- I can't even talk about how important this is. Often Ryan and I are agreeing on something, but because we understand things differently or because we have different reasons for coming to the same conclusions, it's hard to realize that sometimes. Or sometimes, we just need help getting through something together and we don't know how.  When those times come, I pray. I pray "please help us understand each other." or "please help us find a way", or "please just keep us together while we ride this out." and every single time, that prayer is answered. Not always in the way we expect, but always answered.

I'm so grateful for my marriage. For the opportunity that I have to be married to such a wonderful and encouraging man. He is my other (often better) half and I can't imagine it being any other way without my heart breaking. So Happy Anniversary Sweet Man. You're my hero. Thanks for Eternity.

~Cheryl

I.H.A.R.M.

I'm normally very private about the groups I'm in on Facebook, but today, I'm so proud I can't not talk about it. Most of you that read this blog know that I waited for Ryan while he was on his mission in Argentina. During that time, I was a member of the Facebook group "Waiting for a Missionary" it was a wonderful support system and resource for information from girls (and sometimes guys) in different stages of "the wait" and to help new girls as they began their journey as well. I want to state here that this is a VERY safe group. It is completely private and highly moderated. There are several administrators and anyone that asks to join has to be approved. No catfishing going on. :) As we all got older and started to get married (some to their missionaries, some not) and have babies, several girls began a group called "I Have a Return Missionary" or "I.H.A.R.M." for short. This group is also very private and highly moderated, although it's hardly ever necessary. Before anyone freaks out, let me say, I have met many of the girls on this group, I've skyped with some, spoken on the phone, texted, and even met them in person. And they have met in person several of the other women that I haven't met personally. We are from everywhere, we have girls in Texas, Utah, California, Hawaii, the Netherlands, South America, Virginia, Canada, and the UK, just to name a few. Most of us are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Anyway, on this group, we talk about many different things, marriages, mortgages, pregnancy, raising kids, the gospel, work, finances and how we make them work for us, etc. It's wonderful and a completely accepting and encouraging environment. For example:

Individual- "Guys, I feel so down on myself"
Everyone in the Group- "Don't! You're amazing! We love you! You are beautiful and wonderful and Heavenly Father loves you!"

It's also a great place for advice, for example, it's not unusual to hear wise women saying to someone "That sounds like a problem, you should talk about it and get it fixed before you get married, because marriage won't fix it." or "You deserve better!" Honestly, you think that Google is the fount of all knowledge? False. I can take a question to IHARM and have a helpful answer in 15 seconds.

The women (girls only!) in this group are incredibly talented, from photographers to hairdressers, cake decorators, teachers, a (former) bra whisperer, party planners, stay at home mom's and more! We celebrate everything. New love, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, babies, homes, graduations, jobs, a new pet, you name it, we celebrate it. Along with that, we mourn with each other. We mourn break-ups and marital problems. We mourn miscarriages and death. We pray for each other and hope for joy in each womans heart. And it's not a fake "oh that's too bad." It's a REAL feeling pain and sadness for each other. I've always been touched by this, but never more than I was yesterday.

Yesterday. A friend from IHARM (yes, I said friend.) Posted that while she had been on vacation for the past few weeks, a quick respite before she and her husband move across country next week, a part on her sprinkler system broke and left a stream of water shooting into her attic right above her bedroom. So when she and her husband got home yesterday morning, from their relaxing vacation, they instead found their bedroom ceiling caved in, the entire contents ruined and the basement below in danger as well. Instantly after posting this there were prayers and well wishes coming in, shortly after that there were people asking how they could help, what size clothing she wears, if she needs help with clean-up, where they can mail things. WOMEN THAT HAD NEVER MET THIS GIRL OR HER FAMILY WERE ASKING HOW THEY COULD ASSIST HER IN REBUILDING HER LIFE. A gofundme account was set up by a separate friend so that sisters not local could help by donating money and people were offering to pick items up from other sisters to take them to this girl and her husband as they prepare to move. So far, enough money has been raised for she and her husband to be able to stay in a hotel after they move while they rebuild and sell their current house before they can buy a house in their new area. As I watched all of this unfold I couldn't help but be overcome with gratitude that I know such giving generous women.

To me, this group is the definition of a worldwide sisterhood. We bear one another's burdens and we find joy in womanhood. We teach and preach the gospel to each other and we have hearts that are knitted together in love. Now that I've used as many Relief Society cliches as possible, I want to say that I love these women! I love that they are my friends and that when I talk to them I feel the Spirit burn in my heart. They are truly my Sisters in Christ. Sometimes, we think that we can only find this kind of sisterhood in our local congregations, or with people we've known forever and ever. But I found it in a group of women that had never met before, but decided to love each other anyway, because we are Daughters of God. I'll forever be grateful for the women I've met through this experience, for the examples they have been and continue to be, and for the support that I've received from them.

In short- I.H.A.R.M. is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. and I L.O.V.E it.

~Cheryl