Clomid-- Cycle 1

I don't. I don't even know how to talk about this. Ryan and I FINALLY found the right doctor. The doctor that walked in and sat down with me in her office and said the following: "It's nice to meet you, what's going on? Start from the beginning, and tell me what you want." And then she actually listened. LISTENED. When I was done telling her about the past 4 years. I felt so relieved! She hadn't interrupted me once. It was amazing. When I was finished she looked at me and said "You've done 80% of my work for me! Alright! Let's get this done!" She assigned Ryan and I to do a couple final tests. (HCG's By the way? Not terrible, but certainly not a picnic either ;))After those tests, my doctor wrote me a prescription for 50 mg of Clomid and told me we would test again later in the month. Last Friday, I went and had my blood drawn to see if I had ovulated. My nurse called me Tuesday and said what I expected but was hoping not to hear. It hadn't worked. I would have to try again with a higher dosage of meds to see if THAT would work. I knew it was coming, but my heart was still broken. I couldn't help holding on to that little bit of hope that I had that MAYBE Ryan and I's baby would be here soon. That I wouldn't be "Left Behind" again. I was so angry and hurt and I felt incredibly broken. I texted Ryan and told him that I hadn't ovulated and he simply replied "I'm sorry". And I was sorry too.So sorry. I felt like I was broken. Like I couldn't do this thing that Ryan so deserved from me. He would be such a wonderful father. I know that he would. So I often, in my bad moments, feel like a failure that I can't provide that for him the way that I should be. It's times like this when I shake my fist at myself and say "STUPID BODY! JUST DO YOUR JOB!" It makes me so angry. And Tired. However, Ryan came home that evening and said to me "It's okay, we'll just try again." and gave me a hug. That's all I needed. He really is a wonderful man. He has a way of taking total fear and depression and longing and turn it into hope, just by holding me for a minute. I love him so much. So we continue on again in a couple months. We are continuously full of hope that someday, in our Heavenly Father's time, we will have our own special miracle. For now, we will find joy in learning how to lean on the Lord as we work towards our goal of a family. :) Til Better Days! Cheryl

Update on Operation: Baby

So Ryan and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been trying to have kids for almost two and a half years. And lets just say-- it's not exactly working.

Several Women in my family have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I have had all the syptoms so I've kinda been under the assumption that that's the same thing that's wrong with me. But every time I talked to any of my doctors (GYNO, PCP, anyone) about it They have either glossed over it with "You're young, you still have plenty of time" or laughed me out of their office. It's been very frustrating, but I couldn't (at the time) go to anyone else because my insurance (I have it through my mom) wouldn't let me. I was starting to feel like I was crazy, or like Heavenly Father just really thought I wasn't good enough to have a baby.and let me tell you.. that was a dark time.

Recently my mom's job changed insurance providers. So I got to pick my doctors. I searched high and low, read reviews, called offices and asked to speak to doctors instead of nurses and finally found a PCP that I felt was the right one. Tuesday afternoon I had my first appointment with her and although it was suppose to be a physical it turned into us just talking about everything that had happened to me and everything I've been through. And she looked at me and said

"Guess what? I think you know your body better than anyone else, and from what you telling me and from what I can see. I think you're right. So let's have you evaluated for PCOS so I can start treating you."

I felt So. Free.

and not crazy.

So they did all the bloodwork and yesterday I went for a pelvic ultrasound (I have never been so happy to pee in my entire life) and when they were looking at my ovaries you could see them tiny little "follicles" that are filling with liquid and becoming tiny cysts. All I could do is smile.

I know this sounds crazy, and WEIRD that I am happy about seeing those tiny things which are getting in my way of having my babies, but I was. I was Happy. I was RELIEVED.

I am not crazy. I am not unworthy. I am not some freak that just doesn't know anything. I have actual diagnoses that can be FIXED.

And how great was my joy.

Life Right Now...

I would love to be one of those women that can get on a computer and blog every day. I long for the time when I can do that. Mostly, because it will mean that I have internet in my house. :) I feel bad that I only ever read blogs and then I don't share anything in return. I feel a little selfish, so I humbly ask for forgiveness and patience as I get back into the blogging business. ;) With that-- here's what's been going on so far with the Burton's these past (almost) six months.

Ryan finished his second year of school with incredibly good grades. It looks like he will be making the Chancellors list this semester for the third time since he started school. After his finals are over next week he will have 5 Semesters left and then (barring any disasters or unless he decides to get a masters) he will be done-- Graduating December 2013! It makes me proud that he has been working so hard. And it's paying off! Because he is such an awesome person he....

Got a summer internship! He will be working for TME Inc. a construction company in Little Rock. He will be making twice as much an hour as well as working twice as many hours. He gets a WEEK of paid vacation time and the possibility of a future permanent job. We are SO excited about this and Ryan is confident that it is a job he can excell at and enjoy doing at the same time. :)

As for moi-- I started "working", I've been baby-sitting for some of the working mothers in my ward. Children ranging in ages from 2 weeks- 4 years. It can be challenging sometimes, but I love it. These angels teach me so much as I care for them. Chiefly patience, sometimes it's hard to learn, but I know it's worth it. Ryan was so excited when I started doing this (I watch them in my home) that he decided we should turn our spare room into a "playroom" so we bought a crib for the babies and a buch of toys and childrens books (mostly at second hand stores, because lets face it, We're poor ;)) and set it up! I will get a picture put up eventually of the playroom, because I am so happy with the way it turned out. We even moved one of our rocker recliners from the living room to the playroom so that I could rock the babies :) ALSO, plus side = being able to count all of it on taxes as a business expense. :)

Now, you may be asking-- Hey Cheryl, What about that last post, where you and Ryan were going to try and have a baby? What ever happened with that? Well, folks, We're still trying. No baby yet. :) I did go to the doctor in March and she diagnosed me with Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) basically, I have a bunch of cysts on my ovaries which make my hormones go wacky, which makes me not ovulate. And you kinda have to have an egg to have a baby. lol. It causes alot of other problems too, it's hard to regulate my weight, I get sick alot, I have alot of back pain etc. It's not fun stuff. ANYWAY... she said I could start Clomid which is a prescription drug that MAKES you ovulate no matter what your hormones are like, it's expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. So instead, I am going to start a regime of D-chiro-inositol (DCI) a nutritional supplement that basically regulates all of your hormones naturally. So that your body fixes itself. :) It's also not covered by my insurance, BUT it is much cheaper. Like, instead of $250 a month it's $50. which is much easier for me to work with . lol. It also has a very high success rate; so hopefully we'll get to make an announcement in the next couple of months. :)


So that's how life has been for us. Excluding of course any information on our callings in church. We both work with the youth and as such, we were called to be a Ma & Pa for our Youth Conference Pioneer Trek this June. So we've been preparing for that along with teaching on Sunday and Activities on Wednesdays and Saturdays, We love our callings and we love the youth that we get to interact with every week. :)


So yeah, life is good. Hopefully I will be able to do better at this whole "regular" blogging thing eventually, but until then....


;)

A Christmas Morning to Remember!

Forever, Really.

So Ryan and I have been discussing expanding our family for the past year or so. I have known for awhile that I wanted to have kids quickly, Ryan has WANTED kids, he's just been a little concerned as to the cost and the hardships that can come with them. So it's kind of become a MAJOR source of many arguements, much stress, and some other very intense emotions between the two of us. Mostly, the thing we have "agreed" about, and I use that term incredibly loosly, is we won't stop it from happening.

I so hated that agreement. It made me feel like Ryan didn't want our kids, like he thought I wasn't good enough yet to be a mother, like he was KEEPING my kids from me.

I know that sounds rediculous. But it is how I felt.


A few weeks ago (I guess right after thanksgiving) We had a talk, a long, long, LONG talk. Anyway, Ryan ended up giving me a blessing, and afterwardsm I just told him "I Love You, and I know that you're scared, but Our kids want to be here, and you won't let them because you are afraid." as well as some other things. He said he would SERIOUSLY start thinking about having kids. I didn't think he meant it. It's happened before, I don't know if I'm just impatient or if he really does think about things this slowly, but when he starts thinking about things he could take months! Maybe even a whole nother YEAR! That prospect was not good for me, but I didn't want to argue anymore so I let it go.

This morning I recieved a Christmas present in the form of a letter. It said the following:

" Hey Cheryl, (you know, that one woman I love with all my heart)

I know that this isn't a real present, but I hope it will do. I wanted to give you a big surprise, and I think this is it, and I'm writing it in pen so you'll know I'm serious.

LET'S HAVE A BABY!

Go on, tell anyone you want. Shout it out to the world. I love you and I want tyou to be happy. Are you surprised?

I've been sitting on this decision now for about a week and a half. When I told you I'd think about it, I meant it, but Layne helped me make up my mind.

The last time Asha took Layne to school, Jennifer brought him upstairs with Athena, so I got to hold him. I was really happy to think I had some real reason to hold him. Anyway, it was after our deal that I was thinking about it and I decided that it would be so much better to hold my own kid even with all the challenges and hardwork that go with it.

I wanted you to have a good Christmas, and I wanted this to be a surprise, so I'm sorry if I've caused you any grief over the past week or so about having a baby.

Honey, I Love You, and I hope this Christmas will be a special one in your memory for a long time. Merry Christmas.

Love,
Ryan (That one guy who is kind of an idiot sometimes.)"

So we are actually going to TRY TRY TRY to have a baby! We Want A Baby! I Am So Excited! I feel So CLOSE to Ryan right now, like for the first time in a long time we are really unified in something. I think I am going to save this letter and put it in our baby book when I finally get pregnant.

And above all I have the most wonderful husband ever, and He is going to be a GREAT Daddy. :)