Clomid-- Cycle 1

I don't. I don't even know how to talk about this. Ryan and I FINALLY found the right doctor. The doctor that walked in and sat down with me in her office and said the following: "It's nice to meet you, what's going on? Start from the beginning, and tell me what you want." And then she actually listened. LISTENED. When I was done telling her about the past 4 years. I felt so relieved! She hadn't interrupted me once. It was amazing. When I was finished she looked at me and said "You've done 80% of my work for me! Alright! Let's get this done!" She assigned Ryan and I to do a couple final tests. (HCG's By the way? Not terrible, but certainly not a picnic either ;))After those tests, my doctor wrote me a prescription for 50 mg of Clomid and told me we would test again later in the month. Last Friday, I went and had my blood drawn to see if I had ovulated. My nurse called me Tuesday and said what I expected but was hoping not to hear. It hadn't worked. I would have to try again with a higher dosage of meds to see if THAT would work. I knew it was coming, but my heart was still broken. I couldn't help holding on to that little bit of hope that I had that MAYBE Ryan and I's baby would be here soon. That I wouldn't be "Left Behind" again. I was so angry and hurt and I felt incredibly broken. I texted Ryan and told him that I hadn't ovulated and he simply replied "I'm sorry". And I was sorry too.So sorry. I felt like I was broken. Like I couldn't do this thing that Ryan so deserved from me. He would be such a wonderful father. I know that he would. So I often, in my bad moments, feel like a failure that I can't provide that for him the way that I should be. It's times like this when I shake my fist at myself and say "STUPID BODY! JUST DO YOUR JOB!" It makes me so angry. And Tired. However, Ryan came home that evening and said to me "It's okay, we'll just try again." and gave me a hug. That's all I needed. He really is a wonderful man. He has a way of taking total fear and depression and longing and turn it into hope, just by holding me for a minute. I love him so much. So we continue on again in a couple months. We are continuously full of hope that someday, in our Heavenly Father's time, we will have our own special miracle. For now, we will find joy in learning how to lean on the Lord as we work towards our goal of a family. :) Til Better Days! Cheryl

Update on Operation: Baby

So Ryan and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been trying to have kids for almost two and a half years. And lets just say-- it's not exactly working.

Several Women in my family have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I have had all the syptoms so I've kinda been under the assumption that that's the same thing that's wrong with me. But every time I talked to any of my doctors (GYNO, PCP, anyone) about it They have either glossed over it with "You're young, you still have plenty of time" or laughed me out of their office. It's been very frustrating, but I couldn't (at the time) go to anyone else because my insurance (I have it through my mom) wouldn't let me. I was starting to feel like I was crazy, or like Heavenly Father just really thought I wasn't good enough to have a baby.and let me tell you.. that was a dark time.

Recently my mom's job changed insurance providers. So I got to pick my doctors. I searched high and low, read reviews, called offices and asked to speak to doctors instead of nurses and finally found a PCP that I felt was the right one. Tuesday afternoon I had my first appointment with her and although it was suppose to be a physical it turned into us just talking about everything that had happened to me and everything I've been through. And she looked at me and said

"Guess what? I think you know your body better than anyone else, and from what you telling me and from what I can see. I think you're right. So let's have you evaluated for PCOS so I can start treating you."

I felt So. Free.

and not crazy.

So they did all the bloodwork and yesterday I went for a pelvic ultrasound (I have never been so happy to pee in my entire life) and when they were looking at my ovaries you could see them tiny little "follicles" that are filling with liquid and becoming tiny cysts. All I could do is smile.

I know this sounds crazy, and WEIRD that I am happy about seeing those tiny things which are getting in my way of having my babies, but I was. I was Happy. I was RELIEVED.

I am not crazy. I am not unworthy. I am not some freak that just doesn't know anything. I have actual diagnoses that can be FIXED.

And how great was my joy.