And I couldn't help but smile.
Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done ever in my entire life. It's harder than walking after back surgery, or getting back behind the wheel of a car after you're in a wreck, and it's far and away harder than any college experiences I had at all. And it certainly hasn't been all roses and cotton candy. There are some days when it's like a scene from a horror movie. Those days are few and far between, but still, they happen. But it's also the most wonderful thing. The only thing that is more difficult than marriage, is NOT being with Ryan. Having him gone, whether on his mission or gone for a summer internship. Saying goodnight when he dropped me off after a date, or saying goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning. Having him gone really does make me feel like I'm missing half of my appendages. I've learned so much over this time.Mostly about myself, but also a few things about marriage. Most of these things are things that people told me to begin with when I was engaged, but I didn't listen and learned them the hard way. Now pass them down to others I know,and they don't listen and end up having to learn them the hard way. NONE of them are things that I'm perfect at, but with my wonderfully patient husband, I keep working on them and getting a little better every day.
So without further ado, here are...
1) Never discuss anything important between the hours of 9pm and 5 am. And eat first.
-- This one is important. Ryan and I hate arguing, but it never fails that early in our marriage we would wait until just before bed to have important discussions about finances, or having kids, or moving, or anything that takes more than 5 minutes to actually come to a conclusion about. By then, we were both so tired that we couldn't have a rational conversation! Also, we both start resenting each other for "not being able to go to bed angry" and JUST WANTING TO SLEEP. Not to mention THIS study done in 2007 that says that brains that are sleep-deprived are 60% more reactive to negative and disturbing images and feelings. So most of those conversations, instead of ending in a resolution, ended in Ryan sleeping on the couch and me crying in the closet. I'm sure the rest of you know that feeling. Wait? The rest of you don't cry in your closets? Well, just me then. That's cool. Anyway. So now, we TRY to not bring things up that are dreadfully important after 9. If we do, it's to tell each other, "Hey, we need to go over the budget tomorrow" and we pick another time to talk about it. Then, when that time comes, we make sure we've both eaten first because really, who wants to talk about finances with a hungry bear? No one. So to those people that say "Never go to bed angry" I say poo. It's better to go to bed and work it out in the morning, but ultimately, it's better just not to start the argument at all.
2) Always think the best automatically.
-- We've all done it. You or your spouse is making dinner or some other task, when the other comes in and says something that can be unintentionally offensive. So one is presented with a choice. You can either get offended and start a fight, or you can go the other direction. I've found, after extensive research, that Ryan never wants to hurt me intentionally. That realization has helped me to be able to not get offended as often. If he says something hurtful, I ask him if something else happened that day to make him cranky. Usually, the answer is yes, and we can talk it out better, instead of getting into an unnecessary argument.
3) Let it Go.
-- This is not some cheesy "Frozen" reference about letting go of your own inhibitions and being yourself, although, that would be very valid. No. This is about picking your battles. Is it annoying that your husband chews loudly? Yes. Is it annoying that your wife take forever to get ready when you are trying to go out? Absolutely! However, are those things important enough to make an issue out of it? No. Frankly, it's my belief that when sometimes we point things out to make people feel bad, and in turn make ourselves feel better. Instead, when we let go of anger and forgive each others shortcomings, we come to a deeper understanding of each other, and really, isn't that what love is all about?
4) Service is the easiest way to show love.
-- There is this fantastic book called the Five Love Languages. You can learn more about it here. Basically, it's about how all of us give and receive love in different ways. For example, my love language is Words of Affirmation and I also enjoy it when people give me gifts (for those of you that know me personally this is not a surprise) For Ryan, it's Acts of Service. Now, generally they mean things like, take out the garbage, or make lunch for them, or something like that. Which is all very nice, but not particularly in my wheelhouse, I'm more of a "Why do I need to make him lunch when he knows where everything is and is a grown adult" kind of person. :)
Anyway, because I love Ryan and want him to know that I've tried to get better about doing little things. And it has moved mountains! Also, I would submit that even if your significant other's love language is NOT Acts of Service, showing love in the way that they can recognize it, even if it's not the way that you normally would feel comfortable doing, IS a service. You are doing something for them so that they can feel loved, regardless of what you get out of it. You get the opportunity to be completely selfless. And that's a pretty beautiful thing.
5) When in doubt- Pray.
-- I can't even talk about how important this is. Often Ryan and I are agreeing on something, but because we understand things differently or because we have different reasons for coming to the same conclusions, it's hard to realize that sometimes. Or sometimes, we just need help getting through something together and we don't know how. When those times come, I pray. I pray "please help us understand each other." or "please help us find a way", or "please just keep us together while we ride this out." and every single time, that prayer is answered. Not always in the way we expect, but always answered.
I'm so grateful for my marriage. For the opportunity that I have to be married to such a wonderful and encouraging man. He is my other (often better) half and I can't imagine it being any other way without my heart breaking. So Happy Anniversary Sweet Man. You're my hero. Thanks for Eternity.
~Cheryl
