Five Things I've Learned About Marriage.

I was sitting in bed last night. Ryan was asleep next to me and I was playing on Facebook when I was suppose to be sleeping. Ryan rolled over and woke up just for a few seconds. Just long enough to say "Happy Anniversary Babe" and go back to sleep.

And I couldn't help but smile.

Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done ever in my entire life. It's harder than walking after back surgery, or getting back behind the wheel of a car after you're in a wreck, and it's far and away harder than any college experiences I had at all. And it certainly hasn't been all roses and cotton candy. There are some days when it's like a scene from a horror movie. Those days are few and far between, but still, they happen. But it's also the most wonderful thing. The only thing that is more difficult than marriage, is NOT being with Ryan. Having him gone, whether on his mission or gone for a summer internship. Saying goodnight when he dropped me off after a date, or saying goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning. Having him gone really does make me feel like I'm missing half of my appendages. I've learned so much over this time.Mostly about myself, but also a few things about marriage. Most of these things are things that people told me to begin with when I was engaged, but I didn't listen and learned them the hard way. Now pass them down to others I know,and they don't listen and end up having to learn them the hard way. NONE of them are things that I'm perfect at, but with my wonderfully patient husband, I keep working on them and getting a little better every day.

So without further ado, here are...

1) Never discuss anything important between the hours of 9pm and 5 am. And eat first.
-- This one is important. Ryan and I hate arguing, but it never fails that early in our marriage we would wait until just before bed to have important discussions about finances, or having kids, or moving, or anything that takes more than 5 minutes to actually come to a conclusion about. By then, we were both so tired that we couldn't have a rational conversation! Also, we both start resenting each other for "not being able to go to bed angry" and JUST WANTING TO SLEEP. Not to mention THIS study done in 2007 that says that brains that are sleep-deprived are 60% more reactive to negative and disturbing images and feelings. So most of those conversations, instead of ending in a resolution, ended in Ryan sleeping on the couch and me crying in the closet. I'm sure the rest of you know that feeling. Wait? The rest of you don't cry in your closets? Well, just me then. That's cool. Anyway. So now, we TRY to not bring things up that are dreadfully important after 9. If we do, it's to tell each other, "Hey, we need to go over the budget tomorrow" and we pick another time to talk about it. Then, when that time comes, we make sure we've both eaten first because really, who wants to talk about finances with a hungry bear? No one. So to those people that say "Never go to bed angry" I say poo. It's better to go to bed and work it out in the morning, but ultimately, it's better just not to start the argument at all.

2) Always think the best automatically.
-- We've all done it. You or your spouse is making dinner or some other task, when the other comes in and says something that can be unintentionally offensive. So one is presented with a choice. You can either get offended and start a fight, or you can go the other direction. I've found, after extensive research, that Ryan never wants to hurt me intentionally. That realization has helped me to be able to not get offended as often. If he says something hurtful, I ask him if something else happened that day to make him cranky. Usually, the answer is yes, and we can talk it out better, instead of getting into an unnecessary argument.

3) Let it Go.
-- This is not some cheesy "Frozen" reference about letting go of your own inhibitions and being yourself, although, that would be very valid. No. This is about picking your battles. Is it annoying that your husband chews loudly? Yes. Is it annoying that your wife take forever to get ready when you are trying to go out? Absolutely! However, are those things important enough to make an issue out of it? No. Frankly, it's my belief that when sometimes we point things out to make people feel bad, and in turn make ourselves feel better. Instead, when we let go of anger and forgive each others shortcomings, we  come to a deeper understanding of each other, and really, isn't that what love is all about?

4) Service is the easiest way to show love.
-- There is this fantastic book called the Five Love Languages. You can learn more about it here. Basically, it's about how all of us give and receive love in different ways. For example, my love language is Words of Affirmation and I also enjoy it when people give me gifts (for those of you that know me personally this is not a surprise) For Ryan, it's Acts of Service. Now, generally they mean things like, take out the garbage, or make lunch for them, or something like that. Which is all very nice, but not particularly in my wheelhouse, I'm more of a "Why do I need to make him lunch when he knows where everything is and is a grown adult" kind of person. :)
Anyway, because I love Ryan and want him to know that I've tried to get better about doing little things. And it has moved mountains! Also, I would submit that even if your significant other's love language is NOT Acts of Service, showing love in the way that they can recognize it, even if it's not the way that you normally would feel comfortable doing, IS a service. You are doing something for them so that they can feel loved, regardless of what you get out of it.  You get the opportunity to be completely selfless. And that's a pretty beautiful thing.

5) When in doubt- Pray.
-- I can't even talk about how important this is. Often Ryan and I are agreeing on something, but because we understand things differently or because we have different reasons for coming to the same conclusions, it's hard to realize that sometimes. Or sometimes, we just need help getting through something together and we don't know how.  When those times come, I pray. I pray "please help us understand each other." or "please help us find a way", or "please just keep us together while we ride this out." and every single time, that prayer is answered. Not always in the way we expect, but always answered.

I'm so grateful for my marriage. For the opportunity that I have to be married to such a wonderful and encouraging man. He is my other (often better) half and I can't imagine it being any other way without my heart breaking. So Happy Anniversary Sweet Man. You're my hero. Thanks for Eternity.

~Cheryl

Clomid-- Cycle 1

I don't. I don't even know how to talk about this. Ryan and I FINALLY found the right doctor. The doctor that walked in and sat down with me in her office and said the following: "It's nice to meet you, what's going on? Start from the beginning, and tell me what you want." And then she actually listened. LISTENED. When I was done telling her about the past 4 years. I felt so relieved! She hadn't interrupted me once. It was amazing. When I was finished she looked at me and said "You've done 80% of my work for me! Alright! Let's get this done!" She assigned Ryan and I to do a couple final tests. (HCG's By the way? Not terrible, but certainly not a picnic either ;))After those tests, my doctor wrote me a prescription for 50 mg of Clomid and told me we would test again later in the month. Last Friday, I went and had my blood drawn to see if I had ovulated. My nurse called me Tuesday and said what I expected but was hoping not to hear. It hadn't worked. I would have to try again with a higher dosage of meds to see if THAT would work. I knew it was coming, but my heart was still broken. I couldn't help holding on to that little bit of hope that I had that MAYBE Ryan and I's baby would be here soon. That I wouldn't be "Left Behind" again. I was so angry and hurt and I felt incredibly broken. I texted Ryan and told him that I hadn't ovulated and he simply replied "I'm sorry". And I was sorry too.So sorry. I felt like I was broken. Like I couldn't do this thing that Ryan so deserved from me. He would be such a wonderful father. I know that he would. So I often, in my bad moments, feel like a failure that I can't provide that for him the way that I should be. It's times like this when I shake my fist at myself and say "STUPID BODY! JUST DO YOUR JOB!" It makes me so angry. And Tired. However, Ryan came home that evening and said to me "It's okay, we'll just try again." and gave me a hug. That's all I needed. He really is a wonderful man. He has a way of taking total fear and depression and longing and turn it into hope, just by holding me for a minute. I love him so much. So we continue on again in a couple months. We are continuously full of hope that someday, in our Heavenly Father's time, we will have our own special miracle. For now, we will find joy in learning how to lean on the Lord as we work towards our goal of a family. :) Til Better Days! Cheryl

A Christmas Morning to Remember!

Forever, Really.

So Ryan and I have been discussing expanding our family for the past year or so. I have known for awhile that I wanted to have kids quickly, Ryan has WANTED kids, he's just been a little concerned as to the cost and the hardships that can come with them. So it's kind of become a MAJOR source of many arguements, much stress, and some other very intense emotions between the two of us. Mostly, the thing we have "agreed" about, and I use that term incredibly loosly, is we won't stop it from happening.

I so hated that agreement. It made me feel like Ryan didn't want our kids, like he thought I wasn't good enough yet to be a mother, like he was KEEPING my kids from me.

I know that sounds rediculous. But it is how I felt.


A few weeks ago (I guess right after thanksgiving) We had a talk, a long, long, LONG talk. Anyway, Ryan ended up giving me a blessing, and afterwardsm I just told him "I Love You, and I know that you're scared, but Our kids want to be here, and you won't let them because you are afraid." as well as some other things. He said he would SERIOUSLY start thinking about having kids. I didn't think he meant it. It's happened before, I don't know if I'm just impatient or if he really does think about things this slowly, but when he starts thinking about things he could take months! Maybe even a whole nother YEAR! That prospect was not good for me, but I didn't want to argue anymore so I let it go.

This morning I recieved a Christmas present in the form of a letter. It said the following:

" Hey Cheryl, (you know, that one woman I love with all my heart)

I know that this isn't a real present, but I hope it will do. I wanted to give you a big surprise, and I think this is it, and I'm writing it in pen so you'll know I'm serious.

LET'S HAVE A BABY!

Go on, tell anyone you want. Shout it out to the world. I love you and I want tyou to be happy. Are you surprised?

I've been sitting on this decision now for about a week and a half. When I told you I'd think about it, I meant it, but Layne helped me make up my mind.

The last time Asha took Layne to school, Jennifer brought him upstairs with Athena, so I got to hold him. I was really happy to think I had some real reason to hold him. Anyway, it was after our deal that I was thinking about it and I decided that it would be so much better to hold my own kid even with all the challenges and hardwork that go with it.

I wanted you to have a good Christmas, and I wanted this to be a surprise, so I'm sorry if I've caused you any grief over the past week or so about having a baby.

Honey, I Love You, and I hope this Christmas will be a special one in your memory for a long time. Merry Christmas.

Love,
Ryan (That one guy who is kind of an idiot sometimes.)"

So we are actually going to TRY TRY TRY to have a baby! We Want A Baby! I Am So Excited! I feel So CLOSE to Ryan right now, like for the first time in a long time we are really unified in something. I think I am going to save this letter and put it in our baby book when I finally get pregnant.

And above all I have the most wonderful husband ever, and He is going to be a GREAT Daddy. :)

Oh My Life.

So, I guess that my goal of updating my blog every week was a little, ummm.... lofty. How about I start with once a month. or when important things happen? Or.... maybe just when I have time? Lol. Well, it's July, things are slowing down and I'm finding more time and less things to stress about. That makes things alot easier for me... and for Ryan. Apparently, I'm not a very pleasant person when I have alot of things to do all at once. Something about yelling.. "I JUST WANT YOU TO HELP ME!" and "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY! JUST DO IT!" I don't know, I have no recollection of that, but I don't doubt that at some point I did yell that. lol. Part of learning how to deal with each other, I guess. All I know is that I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband that would give me everything that I want if he could. That is understanding of me and my incredible mood swings. Anyway, Here's what we've been up too.

1) Ryan got a pell grant. I am so excited for this because due to the fact that he already had scholarships to school, this money will basically come straight to us. :) That means we'll be able to do number two! (Hahahahaha--- gross.)

2) Buy a car! :D some would say, "Why is that good? you don't need any of that debt" but we don't look at it that way. We look at it as "WE NEED TO BUILD CREDIT SO WE CAN BUY A HOUSE." And buying this car is going to help us get there! Speaking of living arrangements...

3) We have realized that our apartment is too small. So, in September, along with an obscenely large change check, and a car.... we will be putting in our 30 days notice at our complex and moving in to a duplex. :D Ready for the kicker? Our two bedroom one bathroom duplex with a larger kitchen and breakfast bar, is less expensive than our one bedroom, second floor apartment. :) Neadless to say, I'm excited. Our main goal was to be moved in all the way by Thanksgiving... so that'll be exciting.

4) We are about to have the two most adorable nephews ever. Ryan's sister, Asha, is due the beginning of August, and my sister, Susan, is due the beginning of October. We are both incredibly excited for them!

5) We have been married for a year. It has been a learning experience, for both of us, on alot of different levels, and I think all of the mooning over each other was over after the first month, but we both have come out of it better I think. We went to Wild River Country (A local water park) and Red Lobster for our anniversary. It was Ryan's first time ever eating at that restaurant, he liked it, and I have to say, the service was incredible. I don't usually ask for certain servers, but I would certainly ask for Sky again.

So there's our updates, so far.