Five Things I've Learned About Marriage.

I was sitting in bed last night. Ryan was asleep next to me and I was playing on Facebook when I was suppose to be sleeping. Ryan rolled over and woke up just for a few seconds. Just long enough to say "Happy Anniversary Babe" and go back to sleep.

And I couldn't help but smile.

Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done ever in my entire life. It's harder than walking after back surgery, or getting back behind the wheel of a car after you're in a wreck, and it's far and away harder than any college experiences I had at all. And it certainly hasn't been all roses and cotton candy. There are some days when it's like a scene from a horror movie. Those days are few and far between, but still, they happen. But it's also the most wonderful thing. The only thing that is more difficult than marriage, is NOT being with Ryan. Having him gone, whether on his mission or gone for a summer internship. Saying goodnight when he dropped me off after a date, or saying goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning. Having him gone really does make me feel like I'm missing half of my appendages. I've learned so much over this time.Mostly about myself, but also a few things about marriage. Most of these things are things that people told me to begin with when I was engaged, but I didn't listen and learned them the hard way. Now pass them down to others I know,and they don't listen and end up having to learn them the hard way. NONE of them are things that I'm perfect at, but with my wonderfully patient husband, I keep working on them and getting a little better every day.

So without further ado, here are...

1) Never discuss anything important between the hours of 9pm and 5 am. And eat first.
-- This one is important. Ryan and I hate arguing, but it never fails that early in our marriage we would wait until just before bed to have important discussions about finances, or having kids, or moving, or anything that takes more than 5 minutes to actually come to a conclusion about. By then, we were both so tired that we couldn't have a rational conversation! Also, we both start resenting each other for "not being able to go to bed angry" and JUST WANTING TO SLEEP. Not to mention THIS study done in 2007 that says that brains that are sleep-deprived are 60% more reactive to negative and disturbing images and feelings. So most of those conversations, instead of ending in a resolution, ended in Ryan sleeping on the couch and me crying in the closet. I'm sure the rest of you know that feeling. Wait? The rest of you don't cry in your closets? Well, just me then. That's cool. Anyway. So now, we TRY to not bring things up that are dreadfully important after 9. If we do, it's to tell each other, "Hey, we need to go over the budget tomorrow" and we pick another time to talk about it. Then, when that time comes, we make sure we've both eaten first because really, who wants to talk about finances with a hungry bear? No one. So to those people that say "Never go to bed angry" I say poo. It's better to go to bed and work it out in the morning, but ultimately, it's better just not to start the argument at all.

2) Always think the best automatically.
-- We've all done it. You or your spouse is making dinner or some other task, when the other comes in and says something that can be unintentionally offensive. So one is presented with a choice. You can either get offended and start a fight, or you can go the other direction. I've found, after extensive research, that Ryan never wants to hurt me intentionally. That realization has helped me to be able to not get offended as often. If he says something hurtful, I ask him if something else happened that day to make him cranky. Usually, the answer is yes, and we can talk it out better, instead of getting into an unnecessary argument.

3) Let it Go.
-- This is not some cheesy "Frozen" reference about letting go of your own inhibitions and being yourself, although, that would be very valid. No. This is about picking your battles. Is it annoying that your husband chews loudly? Yes. Is it annoying that your wife take forever to get ready when you are trying to go out? Absolutely! However, are those things important enough to make an issue out of it? No. Frankly, it's my belief that when sometimes we point things out to make people feel bad, and in turn make ourselves feel better. Instead, when we let go of anger and forgive each others shortcomings, we  come to a deeper understanding of each other, and really, isn't that what love is all about?

4) Service is the easiest way to show love.
-- There is this fantastic book called the Five Love Languages. You can learn more about it here. Basically, it's about how all of us give and receive love in different ways. For example, my love language is Words of Affirmation and I also enjoy it when people give me gifts (for those of you that know me personally this is not a surprise) For Ryan, it's Acts of Service. Now, generally they mean things like, take out the garbage, or make lunch for them, or something like that. Which is all very nice, but not particularly in my wheelhouse, I'm more of a "Why do I need to make him lunch when he knows where everything is and is a grown adult" kind of person. :)
Anyway, because I love Ryan and want him to know that I've tried to get better about doing little things. And it has moved mountains! Also, I would submit that even if your significant other's love language is NOT Acts of Service, showing love in the way that they can recognize it, even if it's not the way that you normally would feel comfortable doing, IS a service. You are doing something for them so that they can feel loved, regardless of what you get out of it.  You get the opportunity to be completely selfless. And that's a pretty beautiful thing.

5) When in doubt- Pray.
-- I can't even talk about how important this is. Often Ryan and I are agreeing on something, but because we understand things differently or because we have different reasons for coming to the same conclusions, it's hard to realize that sometimes. Or sometimes, we just need help getting through something together and we don't know how.  When those times come, I pray. I pray "please help us understand each other." or "please help us find a way", or "please just keep us together while we ride this out." and every single time, that prayer is answered. Not always in the way we expect, but always answered.

I'm so grateful for my marriage. For the opportunity that I have to be married to such a wonderful and encouraging man. He is my other (often better) half and I can't imagine it being any other way without my heart breaking. So Happy Anniversary Sweet Man. You're my hero. Thanks for Eternity.

~Cheryl

I.H.A.R.M.

I'm normally very private about the groups I'm in on Facebook, but today, I'm so proud I can't not talk about it. Most of you that read this blog know that I waited for Ryan while he was on his mission in Argentina. During that time, I was a member of the Facebook group "Waiting for a Missionary" it was a wonderful support system and resource for information from girls (and sometimes guys) in different stages of "the wait" and to help new girls as they began their journey as well. I want to state here that this is a VERY safe group. It is completely private and highly moderated. There are several administrators and anyone that asks to join has to be approved. No catfishing going on. :) As we all got older and started to get married (some to their missionaries, some not) and have babies, several girls began a group called "I Have a Return Missionary" or "I.H.A.R.M." for short. This group is also very private and highly moderated, although it's hardly ever necessary. Before anyone freaks out, let me say, I have met many of the girls on this group, I've skyped with some, spoken on the phone, texted, and even met them in person. And they have met in person several of the other women that I haven't met personally. We are from everywhere, we have girls in Texas, Utah, California, Hawaii, the Netherlands, South America, Virginia, Canada, and the UK, just to name a few. Most of us are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Anyway, on this group, we talk about many different things, marriages, mortgages, pregnancy, raising kids, the gospel, work, finances and how we make them work for us, etc. It's wonderful and a completely accepting and encouraging environment. For example:

Individual- "Guys, I feel so down on myself"
Everyone in the Group- "Don't! You're amazing! We love you! You are beautiful and wonderful and Heavenly Father loves you!"

It's also a great place for advice, for example, it's not unusual to hear wise women saying to someone "That sounds like a problem, you should talk about it and get it fixed before you get married, because marriage won't fix it." or "You deserve better!" Honestly, you think that Google is the fount of all knowledge? False. I can take a question to IHARM and have a helpful answer in 15 seconds.

The women (girls only!) in this group are incredibly talented, from photographers to hairdressers, cake decorators, teachers, a (former) bra whisperer, party planners, stay at home mom's and more! We celebrate everything. New love, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, babies, homes, graduations, jobs, a new pet, you name it, we celebrate it. Along with that, we mourn with each other. We mourn break-ups and marital problems. We mourn miscarriages and death. We pray for each other and hope for joy in each womans heart. And it's not a fake "oh that's too bad." It's a REAL feeling pain and sadness for each other. I've always been touched by this, but never more than I was yesterday.

Yesterday. A friend from IHARM (yes, I said friend.) Posted that while she had been on vacation for the past few weeks, a quick respite before she and her husband move across country next week, a part on her sprinkler system broke and left a stream of water shooting into her attic right above her bedroom. So when she and her husband got home yesterday morning, from their relaxing vacation, they instead found their bedroom ceiling caved in, the entire contents ruined and the basement below in danger as well. Instantly after posting this there were prayers and well wishes coming in, shortly after that there were people asking how they could help, what size clothing she wears, if she needs help with clean-up, where they can mail things. WOMEN THAT HAD NEVER MET THIS GIRL OR HER FAMILY WERE ASKING HOW THEY COULD ASSIST HER IN REBUILDING HER LIFE. A gofundme account was set up by a separate friend so that sisters not local could help by donating money and people were offering to pick items up from other sisters to take them to this girl and her husband as they prepare to move. So far, enough money has been raised for she and her husband to be able to stay in a hotel after they move while they rebuild and sell their current house before they can buy a house in their new area. As I watched all of this unfold I couldn't help but be overcome with gratitude that I know such giving generous women.

To me, this group is the definition of a worldwide sisterhood. We bear one another's burdens and we find joy in womanhood. We teach and preach the gospel to each other and we have hearts that are knitted together in love. Now that I've used as many Relief Society cliches as possible, I want to say that I love these women! I love that they are my friends and that when I talk to them I feel the Spirit burn in my heart. They are truly my Sisters in Christ. Sometimes, we think that we can only find this kind of sisterhood in our local congregations, or with people we've known forever and ever. But I found it in a group of women that had never met before, but decided to love each other anyway, because we are Daughters of God. I'll forever be grateful for the women I've met through this experience, for the examples they have been and continue to be, and for the support that I've received from them.

In short- I.H.A.R.M. is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. and I L.O.V.E it.

~Cheryl

Clomid-- Cycle 1

I don't. I don't even know how to talk about this. Ryan and I FINALLY found the right doctor. The doctor that walked in and sat down with me in her office and said the following: "It's nice to meet you, what's going on? Start from the beginning, and tell me what you want." And then she actually listened. LISTENED. When I was done telling her about the past 4 years. I felt so relieved! She hadn't interrupted me once. It was amazing. When I was finished she looked at me and said "You've done 80% of my work for me! Alright! Let's get this done!" She assigned Ryan and I to do a couple final tests. (HCG's By the way? Not terrible, but certainly not a picnic either ;))After those tests, my doctor wrote me a prescription for 50 mg of Clomid and told me we would test again later in the month. Last Friday, I went and had my blood drawn to see if I had ovulated. My nurse called me Tuesday and said what I expected but was hoping not to hear. It hadn't worked. I would have to try again with a higher dosage of meds to see if THAT would work. I knew it was coming, but my heart was still broken. I couldn't help holding on to that little bit of hope that I had that MAYBE Ryan and I's baby would be here soon. That I wouldn't be "Left Behind" again. I was so angry and hurt and I felt incredibly broken. I texted Ryan and told him that I hadn't ovulated and he simply replied "I'm sorry". And I was sorry too.So sorry. I felt like I was broken. Like I couldn't do this thing that Ryan so deserved from me. He would be such a wonderful father. I know that he would. So I often, in my bad moments, feel like a failure that I can't provide that for him the way that I should be. It's times like this when I shake my fist at myself and say "STUPID BODY! JUST DO YOUR JOB!" It makes me so angry. And Tired. However, Ryan came home that evening and said to me "It's okay, we'll just try again." and gave me a hug. That's all I needed. He really is a wonderful man. He has a way of taking total fear and depression and longing and turn it into hope, just by holding me for a minute. I love him so much. So we continue on again in a couple months. We are continuously full of hope that someday, in our Heavenly Father's time, we will have our own special miracle. For now, we will find joy in learning how to lean on the Lord as we work towards our goal of a family. :) Til Better Days! Cheryl

Last Firsts 2014. Part 1

This morning, Ryan left for his first day of class for his very last semester of college. Of course, presumably, he will be attending graduate school at some point, but that won't be for a few years, so we don't count that. It has been 5- sometimes very long- years and all I have been able to think about all morning has been when he started college to begin with. 

My husband is amazing. He has always had a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning. It's one of the things that I love about him, even when it's aggravating. 😄 He is the only person I know, who can work 2, really 3, jobs, and have a marriage, a calling, and 19 hours of class a semester (not including competition teams and extracurriculars) all while making almost a 4.0 every semester, and STILL loves going to school in the mornings. I wish I was like that, but ha, I'm lucky if I still like waking up in the morning. 😉

But this first is a little sad because in a way, this really does mark the end of a chapter of Ryan and I's life together. Ryan and I got married 6 months after he got home from his mission. And 2 months later he started school. We've never had a marriage or a life that didn't focus around class schedules or making sure Ryan had time for homework or studying, or budgeting so that Ryan could go to a competition. So in a way, when we go to bed on May 17th, we'll be saying goodbye to the entire life we've known together, and when we wake up on the 18th, We'll have to start all over again. 

I think it will be an exciting adventure to see where we go from here, but I'm going to relish these last few months. I'll never have them again. :) 

Looking Forward.

Well, Christmas has come and gone and New Years is on it's way. As always around this time of year, my mind reflects on the past year and what's happened and what I want to do better. I have to say, I feel like I improved. I can at least remember this year, whereas 2012 is kind of a blank. I feel like I didn't let myself get stuck in a rut this year and that I worked hard to be happy, and you know what? It worked. :) I feel that I was a significantly happier person this year. Obviously, there is still room for improvement, but I can take what I've learned this year with me into 2014 and be better. :) So What are we looking forward to in 2014? Well... Ryan and I made leaps and bounds regarding Project: Burton Baby. Enough so that we have updated our mission name to Project: Burton Baby 2014. So we are eagerly preparing and looking forward to that. Ryan has done a fantastic job in school, and we look forward to May 2014 when he will graduate and hope and pray that he will find a good job that he will be able to start quickly, so that by next fall we can hopefully move into a house. :) I am looking forward to starting online classes somewhere over the summer. It's been a very long time since I was a student but I am looking forward to finally being ready to get an education that I care about. We've been incredibly blessed this year as we have learned to lean more on Heavenly Father and truly depend on Him. We look forward to becoming more dependent on God and our Savior Jesus Christ and learning what He has to teach us. What am I going to try and improve on in 2014? Ryan and I worked really hard in 2013 to remain financially solvent. We did really really well. So this year we are going to continue to improve on it and start to save and get out of debt. I want to be a better recorder. This is going to be helped by the fact that I got 3 sets of journals for Christmas. :) I'm not really sure if I got them because people think my life is worth recording or if I'm just that hard to shop for. but I want to be a better recorder. That means journaling, taking pictures, and well, blogging. I want there to be a record of ryan and I's life together, so that means I need to be more in the moment and more involved so that I have something to write about. I want to be a better spouse. I love my husband. I want to show him that more. I want to read the Standards Works. (For those of you that don't speak Mormon speak, that's the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants) I am excited to see what making scriptures a part of my every day life does for my spirit and my life. :) I know it will bless me. So here's to 2014. May all of us find beautiful things to look forward to and make better, as we receive the chance to begin again. See you soon. ~Cheryl

An Attitude of Gratitude

November-- the month where everyone is either writing a novel, hairy for mens health, or thankful for one thing every day.

Today, I'm going to talk about the last. Gratitude.

President David O. McKay said, “Gratitude is deeper than thanks. Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts”

That really speaks to me. I'm a pro at finding things that I'm thankful for. I have a whole notebook full of things and people, big and small. Everything from the Atonement down to toilet paper. I am thankful for every single on of them. I'm thankful for every blessing given to me and when I'm going through a trial, I can play the "Glad Game" with them best of them. 

But am I showing gratitude? 

No. 

As President McKay stated, gratitude is shown in actions. Like, the lepers in the New Testament. All ten of them were healed and went forth. And I'm SURE that all of them were thankful they were healed. But the one that came back,  that Samaritan who knelt at the feet of a Jew, was the one who was showing his gratitude. 

Am I saying that we should all be kneeling at each other's feet all the time? Of course not. There are lots of ways that we can show our gratitude to others and, most especially, to The Lord. We can show gratitude through thoughtful prayer, through service to others, paying or tithing, and even through song. Have you ever heard the lyrics to "For the Beauty of the Earth" before? Here, I'll put them here so you can see them. 

1. 1. For the beauty of the earth,
   For the beauty of the skies,
   For the love which from our birth
   Over and around us lies,
2. (Chorus)
   Lord of all, to thee we raise
   This our hymn of grateful praise.
3. 2. For the beauty of each hour
   Of the day and of the night,
   Hill and vale, and tree and flow'r,
   Sun and moon, and stars of light,
4. 3. For the joy of human love,
   Brother, sister, parent, child,
   Friends on earth, and friends above,
   For all gentle thoughts and mild,
   
   
   There. If you read the words you see that this hymn is in fact, a prayer. A prayer of gratitude and praise for everything that has been created for us. The earth ad everything on it, family units, even the love shared in friendships is shared in this song. And there are many more like it. 
   
   
   -- "Because I Have Been Given Much I too Must Give." <-- we just talked about how service to others is a grateful action
   
   
   -- "God of Our Fathers"
   -- "Come Ye Thankful People Come"
   -- "Count Your Many Blessings"
   
   
   I'd like to talk a moment about this last one I've mentioned. Here are the words:
   
   
   1. 1. When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
      When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
      Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
      And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
   2. (Chorus)
      Count your blessings;
      Name them one by one.
      Count your blessings;
      See what God hath done.
      Count your blessings;
      Name them one by one.
      Count your many blessings;
      See what God hath done.
   3. 2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
      Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
      Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
      And you will be singing as the days go by.
   4. 3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
      Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
      Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
      Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.
   5. 4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
      Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
      Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
      Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.
   6. Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856-1922
      
      
      Have you ever thought about how you feel when you are showing gratitude? That good feeling you get when you are truly thankful for something, instead of just saying thanks to someone to be polite? I submit that the fastest way to find happiness is to find the things to be thankful for and express true and sincere gratitude for them. Because by recognizing our blessings, we remember that we are not alone, and our hearts are turned to the Savior. Who is the source of all joy and love. In D&C 78:18-19 it says, 
      
      
      "And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.
      And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."
      
      
      I am going to try and be more grateful. Not thankful, grateful. I look at myself now and I see the other 9 lepers. I want to be the 1 who came back. I want to express my gratitude with my whole-heart to my Savior every single day, not just in November when there is a promise of Turkey. :) So if I don't see you again before it, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope that we can all become closer to the One. 

September and October 2013

So here's a quick post.

September 28th I was in a super huge car accident and could have died, but I didn't. Ryan and I bought a new car, it's exactly like the old one that kept me alive during my car accident it's just a different year model, color, and has a sunroof. Her name is Billie Jean. But that might change, I haven't gotten to know her well enough yet. Side bar: yes, I name my cars, it's how I forge relationships with them. And really, a relationship with your car is an important thing.

I ran a really awesome Relief Society activity for the sisters at my church. It was just a dinner before the broadcast, but still great.

October came and Ryan took me to the state fair. We rode the Ferris wheel despite my paralyzingly fear of falling to my death. My reward was any kind if fried food that I wanted. I chose a fried Rice crispy treat and it was delicious. Mostly, it tasted like butter, but I don't think that's really a bad thing. Also, it rained the whole time we were there. But it was still a SUPER fun date night. 

Mark entered the MTC on October 23rd. He will be there until November 6th and then he will leave for his mission (Salt Lake City South). People think that's funny, but they need missionaries everywhere right? Anyway, we had a pseudo-open house for him at my apartment and it was way fun, but saying goodbye to him at the end was very sad for me. He's just my baby brother! But I'm sure he will be fine. I'm proud of that kid. 

Ryan and I went to Trunk or treat. We were in charge of a game where we did like, a spiderweb maze thing and we dressed up in costume. I was Rosie the riveter. If you don't know who she is then go back to high school Anerican History. Ryan was Where's Waldo, but he wouldn't let me take a picture. :)

Ryan finally got his motorcycle. I don't have a picture of my bike so instead I'll post one of his knew helmet. It's high-lighter yello. 

Phew! Looks like you're all caught up! Quick and painless right? Thanks for reading!

Cheryl